Yeah that’s my answer. Life is just so empty when no one loves you and you have no one to love. I’m incredibly grateful that I have a decent job and a roof over my head and food in my fridge and my life is better than it was a few years ago but except for my 2 amazing cats I have absolutely no one to love or love me and that hurts. I just want a hug and someone to tell me about their day while we eat dinner.
Yeah, part of me is like “the government can’t have my fingerprints” but I work a job that requires criminal background checks so I’ve been fingerprinted and run through police and FBI databases more times than I can honestly remember… They’ve got my fingerprints. They all have my fingerprints. It’s a little late to start worrying about it.
Having a happier, less stressful environment. It’s hard having to pay bills and keep a roof over my head, but no one is screaming at me about stupid shit and I feel safe in my home now. I’d rather work OT every week forever than live with my parents again.
Being able to exist on my own schedule and not having to worry about other people. Being able to set my own rules and standards for my home. I can eat when I want, shower when I want, and come and go as I please without having to answer to my parents or work around my family’s schedule. I’m a very clean person and hate messes, but my mom is a neat freak, and I can decide to leave dishes for tomorrow or throw clothing on the floor without someone screaming at me. I can also decide to eat dinner in my living room. The first year after I moved out I ate meals sitting in bed so much simply because it was the first time in my life I was allowed to have food in my bedroom. Now I don’t ever eat in bed because I don’t care, but I can if I want. There’s no rule saying I can’t.
This hits. I used to love hiking. I used to hike all the time. It’s free. But I have to drive there. That takes fuel. And the more I drive my car, the more likely it is that something on it will break. I can’t afford a repair bill right now, and I can’t afford to be without a car. I have a one hour commute to work with no public transportation available, and I have zero friends or family to help me, so if I’m without a car, I can’t get to work, now I lose my job, I can’t pay rent and lose my home, and I’m homeless.
All I want to do is go back to hiking to relieve some of the anxiety of life, but just thinking about it sends me into a doom spiral of “what if something happens and you ruin your life because you wanted to go walk in the woods”.
Hey you, you’re finally awake…