For my birthday, my spouse got me a nicer newer expensive version of a thing I already have. The one I have is older and dented but works just fine. I use it weekly. I never complain about it. I’ve never asked for a newer one. The one I have was given to me by my mother in law, whom I adore. It’s sentimental.
I don’t like new things. When they got me a 3d printer, it was the cheapest one and it was a kit and I had to build myself. I loved it. It’s perfect for me. I regularly buy things used or get things from Buy Nothing groups. I much prefer to repair old things in many ways. My car has over 100k miles. The one before did too. I don’t like new things.
We got into a huge argument because I want to return it. They are so upset with me that they left the house to calm down. Why am I the bad person? Why are they mad at me? I have a very clear tendency for old broken used things. Why am I obligated to like this new thing?
We literally established a rule early in our marriage. I’m not allowed to gift nerdy t shirts. They don’t like them. I love them. I thought they would like them but they do not. So they asked me to stop. This feels the same. I do not like new things. Why am I the bad guy for wanting to return the newer version of the thing I already have?
I see a lot of “just accept the gift” here, but that’s a rough choice. If you accept the gift, then you would be expected to use it over the one that you like. Your wife may even go so far as to throw the other one away (depending on what it is). So I don’t think accepting the gift was ever an option.
It really is a hard spot to be put in, and I would have probably done the same thing in your position, even though I hate denying gifts. The whole premise of gifting is flawed, imo, at least where I’m from. To me, the one being gifted is put more on the spot than the one gifting. I hate getting gifts for this reason.
So maybe this. Explain why you like the one you use better, but that you’re very happy with the gift. Ask her if it’s okay if you keep that gift as a backup if your first one breaks and store it by the first one “just in case”. Its never bad to have two of something.
You don’t have to use the gift often. Just show appreciation for it.
You are literally saying just lie to them because deception and untruth is a good thing.
They DO NOT appreciate the gift itself. The giving of A gift is different from the gift itself. And that is the important distinction here that make it a lie or not
A white lie to make others feel good is a good thing.
That’s text book manipulation
Manipulating people so they don’t feel bad when their acts of kindness don’t please you is better than bluntly but honestly crushing their spirits.
Disagree
I once told my grandma I didn’t care for her cooking and she went home and killed herself, so consider it from my perspective
Remember, gifting is a shared experience, meant to be appreciated by the giftee as well as the gifter. It’s obvious that your partner put thought into the gift, and that should be appreciated. Giving thoughtful gifts is not an easy task. Just because you have a new item does not diminish the value of the old sentimental one. But demanding the new one be returned could easily sow resentment in your relationship that will be revisited every gifting season.
they didn’t put any good damned thought into it. Not any that wasn’t completely selfish.
christ you’re just a bundle of joy aren’t you
I am fucking delightful actually. I also can empathize with someone I’ve never met.
your response doesn’t fill me with confidence
Truth is often stranger than fiction
is it also commonly downvoted?
Is truth commonly downvoted…on the internet…in this decade? Yes, emphatically yes
It seems to me it would be very difficult, if not impossible, to shop for someone that refuses any “new” item.
Also, how many nerdy t-shirts did you gift them before the rule was in place? How did your partner react to all of those t-shirts? Did they immediately demand you return them?
It is a harsh reaction to request a gift just be returned.
It’s also pretty shitty to be told that thing you love sucks take this version they think is better and you HAVE to like it
That’s a pretty extreme interpretation of being given a gift…
You aren’t even OP… Are you OK?
It’s not just any person giving a gift or the giving of a random gift. This is specific to this particular gift, in this particular scenario, to this particular person who explained thoroughly why this was not a good gift to give at all. I’m giving OP benefit if the doubt that their recommendation was doing and should have been understood by their spouse without judgment. As presented, it could easily be misrepresented, but I’m taking it as is for objectivity
A hyperbole (pronounced “hy-per-buh-lee”) is a literary device that uses extreme exaggeration to create strong emphasis
I’m fine, perhaps I went a little too overboard, but it was intending hyperbole to make clear the point I was arguing from, which was that the spouse hurt OP and is being made it as a villain for it
Perhaps I misunderstood this literary device or how to use it, but now you know what I was attempting, I’ll consider an edit if you want to play Editor for a minute
Nobody is a bad person here and both of your feelings are valid.
As others pointed out, your partner likely put significant effort into the gift and is hurt that the effort was in vain. Compounding that is the fact that you didn’t seem to acknowledge their effort or treat their hurt as valid.
Your hurt is valid. You got given something you don’t want and now you feel pressured to accept it to appease your partner. It’s in certain ways worse than getting nothing.
The situation sucks and you’ll both be hurt regardless of how you resolve it.
It’s probably going to be very important for you two to work out gifts or gift giving occasions. What do you like to do, for yourself or with your partner. Maybe the answer to that question can be part of the solution.
For the time being you have a few options. You can keep the gift like the others have said, maybe as a backup. Or you can return it. I suggest that if you return it you spend the money on something you both enjoy, maybe a nice date to sooth the hurt.
Let your partner know that you appreciate the effort that went into this gift. Let them know that you know you’re a hard person to buy for, especially because you’re not very consumerist which means that the things typically for sale won’t appeal to you. Let them know that it’s important for you that you’re both able to express love towards each other and that you want to make sure that the next time your partner expends significant effort for you that they’re able to create a situation which is rewarding for the both of you.
Then sort out what you’re going to do with this gift. Maybe explain your feelings about using the old device and how the new one can’t do that for you.
Then make a plan to work out the line term goal of how you’ll give each other gifts/experiences in the future. And actually do it. It might be a lot of work, but it will probably create a lot of joy in your relationship in the long run where there might have been even more pain.
Your hurt is valid. You got given something you don’t want and now you feel pressured to accept it to appease your partner. It’s in certain ways worse than getting nothing.
Can you explain this? I was always taught to accept the sentiment and just receive the gift. I certainly wouldn’t suggest returning a gift.
The gift is an insult to OP. It’s hurtful and savage to force them to accept something that causes them pain and suffering and then force them to make them responsible for the other person’s feelings.
That’s so fucked up you would blame op just because they didn’t want this unsolicited gift
This story is specifically non-gendered but people keep assuming that OP is male and partner is female.
That’s an important observation then isn’t it?
Fixing things broken things. Not wanting or appreciating things just because they are new. Nerdy T-shirts.
by assuming OP is male and that their partner is female, these things are seen in this community as undoubtedly male and the reaction undoubtedly female to those that assumed them.
Not sure how useful that observation is but it is an observation that is interesting to consider. I think so anyway. I’m sure not everyone agrees but I’m okay with that
We literally established a rule early in our marriage. I’m not allowed to gift nerdy t shirts. They don’t like them. I love them. I thought they would like them but they do not. So they asked me to stop. This feels the same.
This point stood out to me. I’m assuming that you verbally established a “no nerdy t-shirts” rule, but did not verbally establish the “no new items” rule. If it was only implied, or you felt it was obvious to not buy you new gifts, but did not explicitly establish that rule like you did for the t-shirts, then it is not the same. Neither of you are bad or wrong for the moscommunication, but this is a great opportunity to have an open and frank discussion about gift expectations for each other.
Why should they get to be upset about it because it’s a gift, yet the item being replaced with not something similar in style but different, but a literally new version of beloved gift, is supposed to be discarded without any thought about that gift.
Like what the hell is that logic. That gift you love and use all the time without ever mentioning a problem with is not good enough for my liking, replace it with MY version of it or you will hurt my feelings and that majes YOU a bad person for my feelings getting hurt.
Sorry but f that logic say I’m sorry I didnt know it meant so much to you.
They should be made to answer, in front of the mother in law, why and how the perfectly loved and valued watch needed to be replaced
Do you care about the person that gave the gift? Do you trust and believe that they love you and got the gift in good faith, trying to do well even if it was flawed? Then express gratitude for the intention, even if you don’t want the gift. “Sorry, I’m happy with the one I have and don’t want to replace it.”
Do you care about the person you want to give a gift to? Do you trust and believe that they love you and them disliking a gift isn’t an indicator that they dislike you? Then humbly accept that your gift wasn’t the right one, and work together with them to find something they would prefer instead.
It isn’t difficult if you just talk with each other. Sometimes people pick bad gifts. Sometimes people are sentimentally attached to items. Sometimes people are very practical and have a “if it isn’t broken, it doesn’t need to be replaced/fixed” mentality that supercedes other considerations. Me, I have the opposite extreme. Even if a gift I receive is nothing something I have any intention of using, I feel obligated to find a space and use for it as a show of appreciation to the person that gifted it to me, because I wasnt owed the gift in the first place and I have gratitude they were thinking of me. That can be (is) unhealthy in an entirely different way.
But even if you think a gift is dumb and wrong and it’s an insult that they even gave it to you, if you love that person you swallow that pride and let them know you appreciate what they were trying to do but that they got it wrong this time. This can be done gently instead of coldly. And I am not saying OP had done it coldly, maybe the gift giving partner has insecurities they need to deal with. I don’t know, I wasn’t there. Understanding why the gift giving partner would be upset that their gift was snubbed only takes a hint of empathy to understand, though. On the other hand, it’s also easy to understand why the receiver would be confused why the gift was chosen in the first place, with the information provided. Both are missreading each other on different points.
Do you care about the person that gave the gift? Do you trust and believe that they love you and got the gift in good faith, trying to do well even if it was flawed? Then express gratitude for the intention, even if you don’t want the gift. “Sorry, I’m happy with the one I have and don’t want to replace it.”
Yes that’s why there is a problem with the reaction wanting to return the gift. Maybe we didn’t understand the same thing.
The giver was hurt because the reciever expressed that they didn’t want the gift so they should return it because it won’t get used. “Sorry, I’m happy with the one I have and don’t want to replace it.” There is no indication that how you phrased this isn’t exactly what op did. Unlikely, but we don’t know any more than after expressing they don’t want a new version that they suggested it be returned. To me that says I’m sorry but this was a waste and I don’t want your effort to be wasted.
If this was an acquaintance and not their partner I could see it differently, maybe. I’m trying not to make assumptions about anything here and using the post on its own merit. So as far as I’m concerned OP didn’t do anything wrong and is confused by the hurt reaction. Coming here to try and get an outside perspective is an attempt to get a less biased perspective on the situation which is evidence that OP actually cares a great deal about why this is a problem and is literally asking us to help understand.
A lot of the comments have made wild assumptions about OP “scolding” their spouse when that’s not information we know and it is being assumed.
It’s not about the item whatever it is, it’s about your reaction to it. This was something your spouse got you to show you that they love you; they bought something they thought you would want and need because they see you using this item all the time. It doesn’t matter that they know you like using old things - for them the thing they got you is an expression of their love for you, and your reaction (lets return it, I don’t want it) is like rejecting their love and is insulting.
I don’t know how you said it to your spouse but the way you’ve described it here your reaction sounds like it was entirely factual and emotionless. It may not be what you’re saying but how you said it that is the issue. Did you acknowledge how kind and thoughtful the gift was? Did you acknowledge what it means to get a nice gift from your spouse before saying that actually it’s not something you’d use?
Instead of seeing it as a tit-for-tat exchange and the same as you gifting t-shirts, you need to understand that this was a personal gift from your spouse. You also need to acknowledge you’re difficult to get gifts for because you like old things. You’re not the bad guy for wanting to return the item, you’re likely the bad guy for how you’ve gone about it and hurting your spouses feelings in the process. It may be that you’re not an emotional person or have difficulty reading other people including your spouse - that’s fine but you may need to acknowledge that you’ve hurt their feelings even if you didn’t realise or mean to, and apologise - that may help a lot. It would also be helpful to tell them how your mother-in-laws gift has sentimental value and you didn’t want to replace it. It may still be that you end up returning the item - but it’s far less important that your relationship with your spouse.
To piggy back off this one, because I liked it, I’d like to zoom in on the spouse’s reaction. Yes, it’s an expression of their love. But also, if they’re the sort of person that feels gift-giving is important, then they probably struggle with you being hard to buy for, because they want to get you something, because that’s how they demonstrate love and attention.
So probably they’ve been watching you, and they noticed you spend a lot of time with this item, and they thought if they got you a new or fancy version it would make for a great gift. They finally found something they know you’ll like! They’ll watch you open it, you’ll light up, and thank them for their keen insight, attention, and creativity. The perfect gift.
Obviously it didn’t go down that way, but I think in addition to just “rejecting their love”, I imagine there’s also a huge factor that is just shock and disappointment. They had high expectations, they were excited for the reveal, and what they got was so much worse than what they expected they just don’t even know what to do with this energy. They may even be a little embarrassed, both that they got you a bad gift, and at their misplaced excitement.
It’s just an emotional letdown for them, I imagine. Now depending on their emotional maturity, they may just need to collect themselves, realize this whole thing was their fault for getting their hopes up even though you’ve told them you’re not interested. They’ll realize you have good reasons to want to keep the old one, and that they overlooked the importance of it. And if they don’t have that level of mindfulness, then they may calm down, but they’ll still blame you fully.
Anyway, just wanted to point out what I expect the source of the “outsized”-feeling reaction might be. Acute, sudden onset, disappointment.
That’s entirely too many assumptions you are making it assertions you are crediting with no evidence at all.
Entirely too much for my comfort anyway
This is the most autistic thing I’ve read in a month.
People keep telling me this in many situations. Sigh.
They can go fuck themselves if they aren’t going to explain that. Being autistic isn’t a god damned reason for you to be insulted.
You might be autistic and don’t know it. Any of us might be.
That person is a piece of shit for treating autism like it’s a slur. And also shitting all over your clear attempt to try to understand this situation.
I would be pissed if someone did that to me and then makes me out to be some villain because they fucked up on their gift.
I didn’t say it as a slur. The fact that you took it that way says more about you than me. The situation described is textbook autistic behavior.
You didn’t explain it or provide any additional context. You used it exactly as it has been used, word for word, as is used when it’s being used as a slur.
I was clear to say without an explanation it is a slur.
One time my wife got me a really nice DeWalt jig saw for Christmas. I already had a jigsaw. It worked well enough for as much as I use it. Although the newer one was better quality and had a few nicer features.
You know what I did? I thanked her and told her how much I appreciated it. She saw something she thought would make my life a little easier and got it for me as a gift. It was a very kind gesture. If it were the wrong one, I probably would have talked to her later and asked if I could exchange it for one that would have suited my needs better while still letting her know that I appreciated what she was trying to do. I’m sure she would have been fine with that.
What I wouldn’t have done was gripe at her for buying me a new power tool because I “don’t like new things” or “I already have a jigsaw and it works just fine.” That would be a terrible idea which would understandably hurt her feelings when she was just trying to do something nice for me.
It wasn’t about the “thing”. It was about the gesture. The fact that they gave you such a gift shows that they pay attention to what you do and they wanted to give you something to make your life a little easier. That was very thoughtful but you threw it back in their face. I completely understand why they’re angry.
So I want to offer an alternative perspective.
I don’t know if OP is coming at if from the same place as me, but I’m broadly anti-consumerist. I prefer using the thing I have until it doesn’t work anymore. When it doesn’t work anymore, I prefer replacing it with something used when possible. If I get something new, I do a lot of research to find something durable and reliable that will last a long time.
There’s a moral aspect to it for me. Every new gadget or tchotchy burns in my mind as future trash, as the sum of all the energy and materials to make and fuel to transport and the resultant pollution. I recycle as much as possible, I limit my consumption as much as possible, when I do have things they are generally books or tools to help me otherwise limit my consumption.
When I get some kitschy thing as a gift, that I don’t need and took resources and generated waste to make, I feel like a vegan being gifted meat. No matter how well-intentioned the giver is, I feel implicated in something that is dirty to me. If you keep telling your family that you’re a vegan, and they keep gifting you meat, any warmth from their intent is dwarfed by the sting that they keep ignoring your wishes.
A nice gesture that’s focused on the validation of the giver, in clear violation of the stated wishes of the receiver, is not a nice gesture. The nicest A5 Wagyu is not a nice gesture to someone who already told you they’re a vegan.
A nice gesture that’s focused on the validation of the giver, in clear violation of the stated wishes of the receiver, is not a nice gesture.
I think this is the heart of it. Really depends on OPs delivery, but if this was at least communicated, I can’t see how they wouldn’t see where OP was coming from too.
It’s so hard in this consumerist society to tell people sometimes it’s a better gesture not to wastefully buy things just to say you cared.
not to wastefully buy things just to say you cared.
That’s not what people usually do though. For most people new thing brings joy, (that’s why consumerism is a thing in the first place), so people are buying new thing for you to bring you joy.
Absolutely it is often what people do.
Oh also it doesn’t fucking matter what most people would feel about new things. The gift giver isn’t a stranger. They are married(assuming mother in law comment about the origin of the watch being replaced) and should know by now say least this much about the person they are sharing their life with.
How could you be this oblivious to who your partner is by saying most people would have appreciated it.
Using that reasoning then you are testing your spouse no more intimately than a complete stranger. That would hurt most people…
I’m very suprised by a lot of these comments. it’s very common advice that a gift giver should gift something that the reciever wants, not the giver. Not gifting someone they already know isn’t common advice but it’s already common sense. Common sense isn’t always as common as the name suggests, though, and we all have blind spots. The other commenters may be right in that your wife’s reaction might be a sign that your tone was harsher than you intended or thought, but that doesn’t change the fact that you were hurt as well. if this was an aquiantance i might agree that you should have just accepted the gift graciously even if you were just gonna return it, but your partner should someone you can be honest with and someone who will appreciate that honesty
like most relationship problems, i think the best way to move forward is to talk it out. i’d apologize for the way you reacted whether or not you actually blew your lid as an olive branch. explain again calmly where you’re coming from with this and emphasize gratitude that your wife was observant enough to get you a gift they thought you would use while also explaining- again, calmy- why your wife came to the wrong conclusion. try and zero in on the heart of the problem- was it specifically that you wanted to return it that was the issue? then you might be able to compromise that you keep it until your current one is broken beyond repair, for example. never ever ever say “i’m sorry you feel that way,” that never goes well, but do show genuine concern and remorse for the way that they feel. after your wife blows off some steam, if you both approach this calmly and in good faith i’m sure you’ll be able to find a compromise. that might look like your t-shirt rule, “no gifting things i already own,” or deciding to always gift “experiences” instead like another commenter said, or maybe just no gifts moving forward if it really is always going to be a point of contention
good luck to you and i hope everything works out well for the both of you
Receiving an apology when it’s not real is the shortest way to make me distrust everything else you are going to say in an situation like this.
If you don’t actually feel sorry don’t fucking say that shit. That’s just setting yourself up for resentment and distrust.
This is exactly how old arguments get brought up again and again.
With something like “I always KNEW you weren’t actually sorry about the time XYZ…”
You can be honest without actively and willfully deciding to lie about the situation. It’s just not the easy thing to do. But it’s the right thing to do
i think you replied to the wrong comment?
I responded to your comment correctly. You said to apologize even if they didn’t blow their lid as an olive branch.
What exactly is the apology worth if you don’t actually believe you did anything wrong? That’s manipulative. You are giving a false impression of contrition.
And people pick up on disingenuous behavior often enough that you shouldn’t do it.
I’m not the best at explaining myself, especially in text only, so I’m sorry if I’m not being clear, I don’t know how else to explain the dishonesty it makes me feel thinking about that it.
It’s like a corporation making a public apology. If you don’t actually feel bad then it’s an empty gesture with only an ulterior motives behind it. That rubs me entirely the wrong way.
In not claiming to be the world’s best communicator or even a member of that League, but it’s clear as day to me how much of a problem lieing is because people refuse to see it as a problem
They bought you thing they were sure you would like and tought they were thoughtful. Maybe they expected other kind of reaction and depending how you declined it, it very well may feel like you threw their nice thing against their face.
To most people, especially the spouces it may not be about the present, but the idea behind it. Like i dont generally think my wife knits very good socks. If i would go shopping socks my self i would never pay anything for that quality product. But i know my wife thinks i need to keep my feets warm and she is thinking me when she makes them. Saying her socks are bad would not be review of the product, but attack against her.
I would say just swallow your pride and use the newer nicer thing and thank them for thinking about you, but say in the future you want to get similiar things yourself.
They were not thoughtful if they tried to replace something that has enough value to the person that they actually love it more than a new version of the same thing.
They wanted to replace something that clearly didn’t need replacing but thought it would “look” better ignoring completely a well established pattern and preference for not having new things just because they are new.
The reaction to asking it to be returned and being hurt by it is manipulative and the entire thing is completely condescending
I disagree.
From what op wrote i dont get any malice from the spouces gift. I belive they sincerelly tried to do nice thing.
Would you not be hurt if you really tought you did a nice thing to your loved one and were scolded for it? I completelly understand how it might have upsetted the spouce.
Thats why i would accept the gift and very carefully tell the other side they should not do it again.
The only information started was (I wanted to return it)
Why are you claiming the partner was being scolded? We don’t know that happened
The last weekend almost the entire post expressing how confusing the gift was because of how obvious it is to them that the spouse had enough information to know they wouldn’t appreciate the gift.
I’ll accept that there is a lot we dont know so I’m only responding to what was presented in the post and attempting to accept it as is.
Please, I’ll actually listen, where did you get any impression of how the partner was scolded by op.
