Two muffins are in an oven. One says to the other “damn, it’s hot in here.” The other says “AHHH A TALKING MUFFIN!??”

What is Super Mario’s favorite vegetable? A Nintentato!

Another one I’ve gotten a lot of good mileage out of

I once joked to my wife that avocados need to get better prizes because I always seem to get the same one- a little wooden ball.

Now, anytime I’m in the kitchen preparing something with avocados, I’ll let out an audible groan of frustration.

Which always prompts my wife to ask, usually from the other room “What’s wrong?”

To which I always reply “Another wooden ball”

Always good for a groan and some eye rolls from the wife. She never seems to see it coming.

"Do you know why that side is longer? "( Pointing at V formation of seagals flying over)

… “There’s more birds on that side”

It’s so fucking dumb and all about timing

Three friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was< unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close down, but they would not. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of the business. They would not. So, the rival florist hired Hugh McTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to persuade them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close their business. Terrified, they did so - thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

Why do the french never have 2 eggs for breakfast?

Because 1 egg’s un oeuf.

What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?

Why did the short-sighted man fall in the well?

He couldn’t see that well.