erin

But I did. If I have clearly explained “this is your action. this is the consequence of that action,” and they have acknowledged that, then there shouldn’t be a need to go on at length. I communicated exactly what the issue was and how it affects me. She acknowledged that. Behavior didn’t change. Why should I need to do all the work for them? She is an adult. She does not need me to be her mom. She shouldn’t need me to treat her like a child, and should be able to pick up after herself, especially when she’s acknowledged the consequences of not doing so.

I did say what I mean. I’m not her mother. I don’t know why you’re jumping in to defend someone who is incapable of basic housekeeping unless specifically instructed each time. That is an unreasonable expectation to have. No one should need to be given instruction to take care of a shared space, especially when the consequences of not doing so aren’t just expressed by the other party, but acknowledged.

“Say what you mean” is so insulting, when there is no clearer boundary than “x behavior hurts me.” No other partner I have had has needed me to tell them to do the dishes or pick up after themselves after I’ve made it clear how it makes me feel.

Again, I shouldn’t need to mother my partner. They’re an adult. Expecting me to clearly tell them to do every basic chore is insulting. You’re pushing the entire mental load onto me, which is both unfair and immature. Additionally, both people in this situation were women.

edit: The implications that I’m incapable of communicating when I’ve given every indication of communicating with clear “when x, I feel y” statements, the gold standard of communication, are insulting. I have had absolutely no issues communicating with my partners before or since. The issue wasn’t a lack of communication, it was my partner’s choice to weaponize her incompetence. She never “forgot” when it affected her, only when it affected me. She knew, very clearly, that she was hurting me. If I said “it hurts when you slap me. When you slap me, it makes me sad,” and you slapped me right afterwards, “well you didn’t tell me to stop” wouldn’t fly as an excuse. I set a boundary. She crossed it. Repeatedly.

I certainly am. My current partner is an excellent communicator and respects my boundaries. I have no idea how my ex is now.

She never forgot when it was something for her own convenience. It was pure selfishness. If I asked her to not eat a dessert, as it was a birthday gift from my mom, sealed it in a tied bag, and wrote on it “for Erin,” and verbally confirmed with her that it was mine and I did not want her to eat it, she would then decide later that day while I was at work that she was hungry and eat it anyways. “I’m sorry, I forgot, and I was so hungry.” It was sealed and tied in a bag with my name on it. You told me that you wouldn’t eat it, and that it was a birthday gift for me. She was like this for every aspect of our relationship. If it affects me, conveniently forget. If it is for her, perfect memory.

Oh, she did. As do I. But she refused any and all suggestions or offers of help, and simply chose to make it my responsibility for her. Needless to say, the relationship couldn’t go on like that.

My ex was a big fan of that phrase, “I can’t read minds.” I did all the managing of her emotions for her. There definitely can be a lack of communication, but I think the meme rings of “I refuse to empathize with you without you needing to do all the work bridging that gap,” but that also might just be my own experience. If I wanted to be heard and understood, I had to explain it like a toddler.

As an example, “hey love, leaving dirty cookware out to get crusty means it’s not available when I want to cook” did not elicit a change in behavior. Neither did the next two times, “hey, you left the pan out again, if you do that it makes it difficult for me when I need to cook.” She made excuses each time. When I finally hit my breaking point and spell it out, “it really upsets me when you don’t clean up after yourself. please stop doing that! clean your dishes after you use them. I have made it very clear that this behavior upsets me, it hurts me that you keep doing it,” I get the classic “I can’t read minds,” because I didn’t explicitly tell her to clean up after herself.

The same went for eating snacks I purchased for myself, or leaving wet clothes in the washer, or leaving trash out, or not taking the full trash out and instead piling on top of it, etc. If I didn’t explicitly say “I need you to do this. Please do this. Do this now,” it wouldn’t get done, even if I have made it very clear how that behavior makes me feel. When commiserating with friends, it is clear that this isn’t just me that has experienced this. “I can’t read minds” seems to more often be used by those that cannot empathize or listen to their partners, regardless of gender.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure there are plenty of examples of those that do not communicate well and expect as it was put, mind reading, but far more often it seems like that phrase is really just a crutch for the emotionally unintelligent. No one should require explicit instructions to empathize with your partner. If my partner is clearly upset by something and I’m not sure what, I ask them, and a good partner will never expect you to know already (unless they’ve already told you multiple times and you cannot take a hint). Pay attention to what your partners say and make your expectations and desires clear.

I don’t know what you’re conflating that with but no, yuri is a term from Japanese media for lesbian romance, while yaoi is the gay equivalent.

As a heads up, Gus Johnson is not a great guy, abused his ex girlfriend. If the word of his ex isn’t enough, the fact that everyone in his social circle cut him out, including a bunch of very wholesome people, is not a good sign. It was a huge disappointment to me. His podcast, Gus & Eddy, with co-host Eddy Burback, was a huge highlight of my week and the community they built was incredibly wholesome and supportive. His entire community dropped him immediately when the news came out, because he isn’t who we thought he was. Eddy is still making excellent content, along with others in that circle such as NakeyJakey.

I don’t know what specific issue the image is referring to, but there are often vehement disagreements over relatively small differences in design. Look up the history of spinosaurid research if you want some grade-A science beef.

such an iconic music video. it has a permanent place on my music videos to watch when high playlist.

Caution is not the same as prejudice. Women should not need to put themselves in potentially unsafe situations for the sake of men’s feelings. I have to live with the fear that I might be assaulted again, every day. Every woman knows someone that has been assaulted. I will never give a man that opportunity again, and that means that I’m going to have to live in such a way that I will mistrust a lot of good men too, because we don’t know which ones are dangerous to us. My assaulter was a close friend, was active in the community, and had my trust. For many women, it is family and close friends.