Nonsense gibberish made up to imitate English-language contractions paired with a common phrase. It’s usually “who’m’st’ve’d” and the phrase is “woe is me”.

Yeah, it’s not as uncommon the UK to hear specifically “I’ve [x]” instead of “I’ve got [x]”. I won’t be told though that Brits say “the [x] that I’ve” ;D

Unfortunately I’ve studied English at uni thinking it might’ve in some capacity become useful by now. Alas, so far I’ve’d no opportunity to use the nonsense I’ve learnt other than to shitpost about it. Woe’m’st’ve’d is me.

It seems like this usage has survived in British dialects more than elsewhere, I’ll give you that.

You can, but would you? It sounds old-timey because it’s not how modern English works.

I have an apple - in this sentence, “have” is the main verb.

I have bought an apple - here, “to buy” is the main verb, the main action, while “have” is the auxiliary verb that lets you form the past tense “have bought”. The word “auxiliary” means helpful or supportive, an auxiliary verb supports, as it were, the main verb.

Let me teach you a thing: “have” can be “'ve” if it is an auxiliary verb. Ta-daah.

I can’t help you or your fucky language with “'m” or “'s” or “'re”.